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read my profile sign my guestbook Name: JOy Birthday: 12/16/1989 Gender: Female Message: message me Member Since: 3/9/2003

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Monday, April 20, 2009

forgiving is freedom

I don't think anyone reads my xanga anymore. Well, maybe one person will...you're the only person I know that consistently uses this still. So I feel like this is a safe place to write this. I hope. Because what I'm going to write is something I can't talk about, something I can't dwell on, something I have to have to give to God...but something I want people to know about. Because I feel betrayed, I feel I've been injusticed and I want everyone to know so they can feel feel bad for me, but at the same time I don't really want to talk about it. So here it is written for strangers and that one person who I know reads xanga still...

In the beginning of this year I was seeing this guy. It was great. We got along great, he was cute, our relationship felt like it was right...I felt like it was an essential part of having a great freshmen year. But I realized that I couldn't be in that relationship. I realized that I needed to be single to empower myself, to grow and become less dependent on a boy's affections. I felt empowered after I broke it off. But at the same time I felt horrible that I had to hurt him. I missed him so much. I missed our great friendship. Yes, we could have remained friends still...but I let this disttance grow in between us. I needed space from him...but I just let it go for too long. And in that time my roomate grew really close to him. I tried to be okay about it. I mean, I couldn't ask for them not to be friends- that isn't what wanted anyway. But it made being apart from him that much worse. And they became reallyy close- like texting each other alot, have alot of one on one times, going over to each others houses during Easter close. I mean yea, I broke it off. I cut that relationship. They don't necessarily have any obligation to me. But don't they? Couldn't my roommate at least try to respect the feelings she knew I had? I think she tried to sometimes...but in the end she ultimately chose him over me- let me just say that we were really good friends my roommate and I. Agh, I'm getting tired of writing this I have so much work to do. Anyways, the part that sucks is that now...they like each other. He asked her out. And its been about 2 months since we broke up. So I'm definitely not regretting my decision about him now...he's an idiot. But I'm so angry that my roommate and he expect me to just deal with this while still expecting me to maintain friendships with them. Or at least that's what my roommate expects. She doesn't want our relationship to change, she says. But it did when she decided to be best friends with him. She did that. She changed it 2 months ago. And I'm mad that I always excuse her selfishness. I look at our friendship and I wonder what I have I gotten out of it? I helped her so much through all her shit during first semester and now she's gonna date my ex-whatever he was. She doesn't even see how selfish she's being. She doesn't see how friends don't do this to each other. She still wants me to be her friends but she wants my ex too...how ridiculous is that.
Despite how hurt I am though, when I see her- I don't feel bitterness or hatred. I don't honestly. I feel more inquisitive...and pity. I wonder how can she act this way and not feel bad? and if she does feel bad (which she says she does) how can she keep doing what she's doing? And I pity her for her insecurity. And I feel strong because I don't feel the envy she wants me to feel. I think he's an idiot- and I think she's lost. I've been praying for God to take away my anger and he has. He's completely released me from bitterness...He's made me look forward to next year...and He's made me see how this is also something very freeing. I can officially let go of him...and I can officially let go of my friendship with my roomate...I mean, I'm not going to- but the friendship is definitely going to be on my terms now, I don't have any obligation to her to be as close to her as she wants me to be. I just pray that I hear God when He warns me to guard my heart- because I tend not to do that. But I'm going to now...I'm going to be strong, and I'm going to pray that God works in this- in them, in me, in what's to come...I'm releasing what's happened to God...I'm looking for that other door He's opened and I'm going to walk through. Boldly and confidently. I'm ready.

12:27 AM - 14 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Thursday, May 15, 2008

alrighty. my first weblog on xanga in a couple years. i'm kinda nervous...don't know what to say...xangas gotten pretty high-tech, i mean those minis when you e-prop someone? those are fun. and the organization of my profile when i first logged in was pretty amazing...very fancy i must say. they;re probably trying to compete with myspace and facebook. (i think facebook wins) anyways, i am writing to you on my new macbook (= it is graduation gift from my parents (= its fabulous(= i'll be graduating in about a month. in june and july I plan on doing nothing but playing. in august ill be taking a vaca to the mediterranean (GASP I KNOWW!) and then im off to wheaton with chris kim. this summer is gonna blow by so fast and before you know it my next blog will be when im using my macbook for the first time in my dorm at college. just watch...thatll probably be the next time youll hear from me. sorry. as ive said, facebook wins. its the pictures! its just so much easier to stalk on facebook...people dont have to post up new blogs in order for others to find out more about them...theyre friends usually post pictures of them, which enables everyone else to stalk. yepppppppp its fun. really. ive wasted so many hours looking at pictures of people ive never met but just look oh so attractive. you do it too ); i know. haha well, i think ive written decently sized blog dont you? eprop if you think so! maybe ill blog again soon

10:50 PM - 18 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

ok...something is wrong wid myy xanga so i cant put a new entry....urgh xanga is getting on myy nerves...anywayy i made a new xanga....

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=MIz__J0Y

heyy...dianne stella nd esther came over WE WATCHED HONEY! i had seen it already buht they hadnt so yea....dianne dances reall well ;)

new song:: Mariah Carey-Through the Rain

i was listenin to this song nd i wuz lahk this is really good HAHA it duznt really match myy xanga colorz buht wtevr

6:06 PM - 16 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

hi!!! todayy was really boring...awl i wantd to do was sleep buht TOMMOROWS NO SCHOOL!!! hahahaha im so happy...buht i have hmrk errrrr anewayyz herez myy day:

period5: Leach NO MORE PHYSICAL SCIENCE! =) now its just health (easy A) nd we switched seats nd leach let us sit wherevr we wantd so meh, Dianne nd Stella awl sit together!!! hehee nd we sit in the back corner so we get to talk alot =])

period6: Linville worked on Swish tutorials...i think im getting used to it buht I still lahk photoshop...tech is boring now =( nd Mr. Linville keeps putting his stupid demo up so im alwayyz interrupted in the middle of doing something nd myy cursor gets stuck

period1/2: GATE worked in the computer Lab nd did the Criterion online thingy...i was wrihtin this essay nd i pressed tab nd awl of myy wrk disappeared so now i have to do it over again AHHHHH duznt tht suck?! Dianne told meh to do it in Word buht i wuz too stubborn HEHEE

lunch: lunch was boring nd gay

period3: Miranda i hate miranda nd spanish so yEEa....

period4: Gavin-Morand i got to be late for math a lil so tht wuz ok (i guess) buht she alwayyz gives the late ppl this look nd checks to see if awl of our names our on the late slip...math was boring too....after math wuz over i just wantd to go home nd sleep nd forget about awl the bad things.....I WAS SO DAYUM TIRED

myy mommy picked meh up nd she said i looked awl sad so she took meh to the mall!!! i have such a good mommy I LOVE HER heehee anewayyz i got new shoes! lately evrybody has been gettin new shoes....so if i "bited" anebodyz shoes it wasnt on purpose... besides....there r onle so many shoes in this world not evrybody can have their shoes "first" so dont go tellin meh at school i bited them off yu!!! ok, meh nd myy sister nd myy mommy went to Lady Foot Locker...i got plain white addidas superstars..i wuz going to get Jack Purcells(they were cheaper) buht i didnt want the canvas to get awl dirty nd wear out....then we went to Petite Sophisticate for myy mom she bought lahk $200 worth of clothing!!! i couldnt blieve it...i think she was in a good mood or sumthin...anewayy i wantd to get a black shirt bc awl myy black shirts were too small =P so we went to Nordstroms nd i got a plain black t-shirt nd a navy BLue Harlem shirt? after myy sister wantd to go nd get some shoes so we went to Journeys....they have the cutest sandals there! (theyres these sandals tht r awl squishy omyyGOSH soo frikkin comfy) anewayy, myy sister got these Converse All stars....they are SO BEAUTIFUL theyre sparkly light pink (not hot pink) nd has light pink outlining instead of black...im gonna steal them nd wear them to school HEHEE dont tell her!

*sigh* ok tht wuz myy day so far.....it sucked at school buht then shopping made it awl better!!! hehee im so glad God has blessed meh this week....iono....lately ive felt kinda depressed nd quite buht God just seems to keep giving meh blessings to help meh get through it......wow riht now im LOVING GOD ND MY MOMMY alot riht now...

TOMMOROWZ NO SCHOOL! dianne stella nd esther r gonna come over nd do stuff wid meh HEHEH i cant wait!!!!!

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9:03 PM - 30 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Monday, March 22, 2004

OK....I CHANGED MY XANGA COLORS AGAIN...SHEESH IM ADDICTED...THTS BAD...ISNT ANNOYING THT THE FIRST THING YU DO WHEN YU GET ON THE INTERNET IS TYPE IN xanga.com AUTOMATICALLY? HAHA I FIND MYSELF DOING THT SO MUCH...I NEED TO STOP =)

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11:30 PM - 24 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

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